The Elixir of Life

By Ron Ploucha- Co handler
September 1, 2012
As of this writing the back-to-school sales are in full swing so that means that the days are growing shorter, football season is just around the corner, the fields will soon be bursting forth with another harvest, and last (and most importantly), Punxsutawney Phil will be getting his annual dose of "The Elixir of Life"!! (The formal ceremony will take place during "PhilFest 2012" on Saturday, September 8). In case you didn't know, Phil gets another 7 years of life for each sip of the "Elixir" that he takes. Griff and I, as Phil's Handlers, are constantly being asked exactly what is in the "Elixir" to give it such magical powers. Obviously, we have been held to secrecy about its contents...that is until now. You wanted to know so we have finally decided to uncover the mystery. You will find below the formula and recipe for making your own "homebrew" elixir. Not sure what you will do with it since it only works on groundhogs that are at least 50 years old. Well, here it is anyway...

You will need a 50-gallon cast iron kettle and a cord of firewood from the Giant Sequoia trees of California. The fire must be lit by rubbing together 2 dried limbs from a Gingko tree. (Any attempt at lighting the fire with conventional methods such as matches, lighters, etc. will void the mixture and make it worthless and powerless). When the sequoia wood has burned into flaming embers, place a 100-pound chunk of ice from Antarctica into the kettle. Hopefully you'll be able to figure out that the fire should be under the kettle at this point. Let the ice melt down and come to a rolling boil. Add 10 pounds of apples, 7 large carrots, 3 stalks of celery, 5 pounds of alfalfa sprouts, a bucket of acorns, a bushel of dandelion roots, 3 cloves of garlic, and 20 packages of strawberry Kool-Aid. Allow to simmer for 4 days at precisely 215 degrees. After the 4-day simmer is complete, add 2 cups of pasteurized, homogenized, distilled Lochness Monster urine (yes, I know - this is the really tough part). Allow to cool then strain liquid through an old pair of underwear that has been certified to have been worn at Gobbler's Knob on February 2nd by a member of the Inner Circle (of course the underwear should have been laundered first!). Salt and pepper to taste. Serves 1 groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil. So there you have it.